changing

Praise God! Support is starting to come in!  It is so incredibly encouraging and humbling being the recipient of people's generosity. 

Recently I was saying to Andrew that I feel like I'm becoming an entirely new person.  The things I'm doing, and saying, and feeling are so foreign to me.  Anyone that knows me even a little (and that's about as close as I've always let most people) would probably be able to see the difference.  I guess you could say I've always been shy and reserved, but really I've just spent my life avoiding people and avoiding anything that was a potential risk.  I've let fear dictate my life and path.  The good thing about living like that is that you can feel in control most of the time, and you don't have to worry about getting hurt by anyone or anything.  The really really bad thing about it is that you're not actually living.  There's no good reason to get out of bed in the morning, and life is dull and monotonous.  You don't experience friendship, or the love of God, or a feeling of purpose in your life. You can act happy to fool people, and even fool yourself, but it's totally hollow.  You know deep down that it's all an illusion, but you still cling to it because it feels like it's all you have. 

I've always had that place inside of me that longed for more in my life.  I've wanted to follow God wherever He led me- to hold nothing back and be passionate for Him and for life, but was paralyzed by fear.  That's why this journey is so huge for me! It's actually stepping out of my hole in the ground and trusting God to take care of me. With each step I take, I'm seeing that the goal is not just to get to a specific place on a map.  He's leading me closer to Himself.  He is both my guide and my destination.  As I follow, I can't help but be transformed by Him. The awesome part is that He deserves all the credit for the changes taking place in me.  I can't even find the right way to describe it - being reborn, set free, healed, found, restored, waking up..... All of those things and more. What an amazing Father!